It’s a gift.

Not a gift as in, you’re one of the special ones.

A gift as in, you haven’t forgotten what’s real.

You aren’t trapped in the pain-shame-blame-fear-programming that blocks you out of knowing the fullness of who you really are.

You aren’t lost in mental abstraction—thinking, planning, judging, measuring, obsessing over metrics, looping in the maze of performance and productivity, optimizing over the biological signals meant to guide you home, chasing dreams that were never really yours.

You aren’t closed off to the mystery, mysticism, magic, and sacredness of the everyday, extra-ordinary life.

And you aren’t blind to how much of the world… is.

Even within the healing and spiritual communities of the world. How much theorizing and philosophizing and studying and teaching the mental constructs of Love are there… versus… really integrating, embodying, Living what you’ve learned. How many people are teaching feeling as something to be regulated, managed, transcended, or optimized instead of as… the very pulse of aliveness. Your most wise intelligence. Meant to be attuned to and alchemized into more Life.

Most of the world has lost the plot. Forgotten what’s real. Is moving fast and frenetic towards future progress without remembering what all the progress is even for. Filling every spare minute with consumption, leaving no space to rest and digest and connect and really notice what is happening in the world around them. To move with more sensitivity and sensibility in consideration of the whole of our existence, not just their egoic desires, demands.

Of course you feel so much.

Thank God you feel so much.

You are here to create.

Feeling is signal, guiding your attention to what you are uniquely here to contribute.

To what your energetic signature is here to express.

To what your soul is here to transmute and transform.

Through Love. Beauty. Truth. Art.

Through willingness to submerge into the underworlds and discover the wisdom that only grows in the dark, the light that is only revealed in the shadow.

You are that light, love.

You always have been.

Your sensitivity, creativity, and full-spectrum wild aliveness is the most honest, pure, beautiful expression of Being Human.

Which seems like… somehow… the most radical thing to be in the age of metric worship and technology obsession and performing lives instead of really living them.

My intention for writing this publication is to welcome you home to the fullness of who you really are. By Being the fullness of who I really am.

To liberate you from the pain-shame-blame-fear-programming that has closed you, kept you scared and small, diluted and distorted the truth and clarity of your voice, and distracted you from creating what you are really here to create. By sharing my liberation.

The tone here is radical authenticity, authority, creativity, and courage.

Not the pop culture versions of these words. The versions that feel annihilating, obliterating, terrifying to really embody and own.

Until they don’t.

Because you’re fucking free.

Xx Bryanna

A letter I wrote to my “ideal client” while dreaming into my intention and desire for this publication. Hi. Welcome. No more playing small. No more taking on other peoples pain-shame-blame-programming to keep the peace around you while it eats alive your insides. The only way forward is radical, revolutionary ownership and honesty. I’m living into reeeeally uncomfortable layers of this in my own life and feeling called to live it out loud (no matter how many times I’ve tried to ignore this calling and create something simpler, less vulnerable). By writing. Sharing. Creating. Mirroring. Letting truth burn through illusion for those willing to see and feel. Letting the projection field hold the rest. And so it is.

Moments where the pain-shame-programming creeps its crooked claws around my throat and has me doubting… fucking everything… that I worked so hard to know about myself and about Life. And that I once preached from the rooftop of my Instagram account, certain I had figured something out that I would stick with for a long, long time. Like rubbing salt in the ego wound to say this outloud.

The thing is, that younger version of me wasn’t wrong. She wasn’t lying. She was living it in depth and breadth that genuinely blew her and the people around her away on the daily.

The online content/coaching/course business I created was the embodiment and authentic expression of over a decade of deep healing and dedicated study in the making before I ever made my first Instagram post. I can still hold steady and tall when I say, I was walking the walk. Even in moments I got distracted or caught up in this or that trending thing or person. ;)

The business I built from Jan 2018-Oct 2024 was my heart’s truest expression in every evolution it saw (storytelling to subconscious/somatic coaching to intuitive life design and home design to embodied creative business creation to merging them all together as one energetic expression of what it means to design a life you love) and was highly automatable and scalable and required relatively little effort to continue making more impact and income if I just doubled down on what I had already invested ooooodles of energy, effort, time, and money into creating.

So, like, it seemed dumb to stop it altogether and go quiet instead of giving it whatever it took to keep it going? At least, to onlookers who didn’t really understand what energetically went into creating it or how it felt to live within it as I/my life evolved.

I once loved that business with everything I had. Showing up for it, creating it, sharing it once truly madly deeply set me freeeeee in life. And then. It didn’t.

The business that before babies became my whole personality started to feel stale. Like an old version of me? Like, if I continued on with it I’d be forcing, faking, proving… which goes against my entire ethos in life and the ethos of the work I was offering before.

I started feeling it after bringing my twin daughters home from the NICU. I thought it was life circumstances so I doubled down. I hired brilliant beautiful business and marketing coaches to help me strategize, streamline, scale, and call me out when I got “off course”. I re-positioned, maybe trying to re-inspire myself with a new flavor? I re-sold tried and true courses because I knew they were created in the energy and inspiration of aliveness and truth and would still serve someone. But they weren’t serving me anymore. And the more I tried to strategize, structure, streamline, outsource my felt sense of this ain’t it anymore through it to smartness… the more distant and dissonant I felt with it all.

I started to recognize in my deepest integrity and widest embodiment that the business that was once my dream come true was ready to die and rebirth into something I couldn’t feel or see, let alone articulate or broadcast in a meaningful way.

The business that went from feeling like aliveness and alignment and abundance of my highest expression to… a mental and emotional drain that pulled me away from my babies and husband and aging family members who needed so much more than they were getting.

And I really didn’t know what to do about it except for to… Let Go and Let God.

I’ve had moments of judging myself hardcore for not doing one of the things I used to believe in and back wholeheartedly (ie preach on the internet)—letting the pain of my circumstances grow me and my capacity to show up bigger than I thought I could.

Choosing my desired vision. Alchemizing pain to power. Turning the limitations into limitless possibilities and aligned intentional action. Getting buckwild with creativity. Playing the long game of business and abundance and online art!

But the reality of my life (well, really of my development at that moment of my life) was such that I knew I was being called into a personal and familial presence and healing that… I really didn’t want to sign up for.

I couldn’t see clearly exactly what it was I was signing up for until recently, almost 2 years after the descent. Like, this last month was the breakthrough of lifetime breakthroughs and in hindsight I can’t believe I didn’t see it more clearly but also of coouuurrrsse I didn’t because I was IN IT and it was intense as all get out. But also a dream come true. How does one reconcile that while in the thick of it?!

I could blame motherhood; having 3 babies in 13 months alone will challenge even the strongest resolves. (If you know me, you know I won’t. I thrive in the juggle, even when I totally don’t wanna. Motherhood has made me more Me, more Free than anything else has. Healing, business, marriage, all of it. I recently read this article Your Baby is Your Shaman and couldn’t agree more.)

I could blame my larger family system or the larger American culture that has left vulnerable young mothers with babies and aging family members out to fkn dryyyy, isolated and under-supported in their most tender years. (Won’t do that either. But I do have things to say.)

I could blame myself for taking on too much responsibility for too many people/places/things. Or for not being logical/strategic enough in business and putting too much emphasis on energetics and emotions in something that could be a simple scalable system. I could judge my nature for swaying too far into the wild intuitive emotive creative feminine mystic instead of grounding more fully into the material entrepreneurial lawyery smarty pants I could easily tap into. Or for the ways I’ve let myself play into larger familial dynamics that looped me back into old patterns of pain-shame-programming I thought I had transcended LOLOL - they say, “You think you’re conscious? Spend a week with your family…” I say, “try moving in with them then we’ll really talk.” OH MY GGGOODDDDDDD WTF WAS I THINKINGGGGG. And also it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done, my Grandma is my whole entire heart and seeing my babies crawl all over her every day, seeing them hang with both their great grandma and grandma - my MIL who I also love, love, love - is the ultimate epic irreplaceable peak experience of life.

I won’t blame myself.

But I will take responsibility.

For my fear, conditioning, constructs, shadowy bits and smallness… for my actions and words and lackthereof and edges of growth that can’t come with me into this next stage of Beingness.

And.

I’ll also take responsibility for being a human who continues to choose Love, beauty, alignment, aliveness… even when it looks like chaos and destruction and disappearing into the fog.

I’ll take responsibility for practicing what I preached in my embodiment-forward business even when it looked like burning the business to the ground and doesn’t compute to people around me. Because I’ve always been about how it feels to actually live within > how it looks to onlookers.

I’ll take responsibility for being a fierce, repetitive chain breaker in my lineage—first in the creation of mental-emotional-relational-spiritual-physical health and relationships and lifestyle. For breaking the chains of inner dis-ease and performance/proving/role-playing that was once required to survive, especially as a woman, but no longer does unless we choose it to. (Well, where I live. I won’t get into the heartbreaking conversation of the state of women’s rights around the world.) For choosing the wells of well-being, connectedness, creativity, Love.

And I’ll take responsibility for now breaking chains in my lineage’s experience of business, finance, career. My grandpa broke the financial poverty cycle in my family line in a big way, but he did not break the abuse-neglect-emotional poverty that has created a string of angry repressed depressed addicts and a fractured family.

I’ve become the first in my line to choose well-being not just for myself, but the family system as a whole. Not just for my children. For my grandma and mother-in-law who I live with. And for other extended family members I’ve shown up for in bigger ways than anyone has seen online. I’ve prioritized my people before money/success. A dynamic I thought I had overcome when I created a business I loved and made money being true to my heart but am only beginning to see how it was easy to choose my family over money/success when I already had it and when it felt good to make it. When I could wholeheartedly say, “You don’t have to choose! You get to have both!” My real life curriculum in this experience—the generational test/pattern break—was choosing my humans and our hearts when it looked like letting the money/success go and taking massive risk that could be (and has been) judged as irresponsible, unintelligent, and privileged as a character flaw instead of as an opportunity to embrace intentionally and graciously.

When it looked like… closing the “I Made It!” business and living on savings and moving away from the life, friends, connections, careers, and communities we created in a city we loved… to go be with living ancestors and give our children a different experience of life than the ones we inherited. Trusting that the work would come back into fruition when the time was right, that we have been blessed with the options and opportunities we have because they are meant for us, and that there are more important things in life than stacking bills and showing the world how important and successful we are.

When I wholeheartedly realized, I would have to choose between the two. At least in that season.

Living into the question I’ve been living into for the last decade…

What does it mean to choose and create a life oriented around the success of Love, instead of oriented around The Love of Success.

What does “Having It All” actually mean? Look like? Feel like? To the most honest, authentic alive, and free me.

Xx Bryanna

A long walk in the park,

the first slow kiss,

the sound of waves crashing on the beach,

wind rustling the leaves,

birds chirping,

a warm cat purring peacefully on my lap.

Once I “made it”.

Once I escaped the pain and programming of my past and designed a life I love.

When Someday Arrived,

hard won and True,

there was so much bliss!

Life felt bigger bolder more beautiful than ever before,

and,

to my youth’s surprise,

Thunder still shook the walls and my sense of security.

I found myself unexpectedly caught in a downpour without an umbrella, forgetting I could just dance in the rain.

Unexpected aftershocks of old, I-thought-this-was-resolved-alreadyyyyy, heartbreak had me bracing in unwarranted (while understandable) fear.

Harsh sun beat on my unprotected pale face, why do I always forget to wear a damn hat?!

I got used to speaking up for myself but my voice still shook; I couldn’t shake the sense of impending attack for my very existence.

Resilience was rooted, but fear still grabbed hold.

Success felt better than I imagined it would.

And it felt… different… than I imagined it would.

Life didn’t feel like I thought it would.

Because, I realized, I thought it would feel one-dimensional.

“Better.”

“Once I healed.”

I unconsciously believed the illusion,

Once you have ~this~, you will be safe-loved-worthy-free

Even as I consciously knew it was an illusion and made choices to not believe it.

The grip on me ran deeper than I was ready to realize.

Once Upon A Time, I believed that all of my feeling was because of all of my ~not having~.

But then I had everything. More than I once imagined I could have. Created in alignment with my heart that had me beaming with pride.

And I realized,

If you’re really alive, connected, and free in what you create…

The more you have,

The more you feel.

Which is a doozy to realize when you’re a highly sensitive soul who has always not-so-low-key struggled to Human her whole life.

Following my heart and making life art has turned out to be harder than guarding my heart and hiding and pretending ever was.

But a different kind of hard.

The hard of…

Feeling More Fully.

The good, bad, ugly, beautiful; true.

Telling The Truth.

Even when you know you’ll lose.

In the loss, you are set free.

Courage. Conviction. Calculated Risk.

That sometimes feels like risking everything. Even death? Too dramatic to say? But oooh how it can feel…

Willingness to sit in the void.

To let the depths stir until you feel something pull you forward.

Resisting the anxious urge to push yourself into something that isn’t ripe.

You can’t force contractions when giving birth—you ride the wave, you let Life pull you until you KNOW it is time to push. Then you fkn give it your all.

I mean, can you imagine being so anxious to have the baby be here already that you tried pushing it out at 6 months? All you would do is exhaust yourself…

Listening to Self, Other, Spirit.

Attuning to Life; rhythms, seasons.

Letting Love lead you,

Even when it breaks your heart.

Letting Love shatter illusions, disarm and deconstruct personas;

leaving you defenseless, vulnerable, honest.

Ready to Begin Again.

For the umpteenth time.

Creating something more aligned, alive, True with each iteration.

Realizing I’ll never actually arrive.

I’ll never Have It All.

And.

I already do.

Xx Bryanna