How Does It Feel?

To be alive; creative, connected, free.

I thought it would be all sunshine and roses.

A long walk in the park,

the first slow kiss,

the sound of waves crashing on the beach,

wind rustling the leaves,

birds chirping,

a warm cat purring peacefully on my lap.

Once I “made it”.

Once I escaped the pain and programming of my past and designed a life I love.

When Someday Arrived,

hard won and True,

there was so much bliss!

Life felt bigger bolder more beautiful than ever before,

and,

to my youth’s surprise,

Thunder still shook the walls and my sense of security.

I found myself unexpectedly caught in a downpour without an umbrella, forgetting I could just dance in the rain.

Unexpected aftershocks of old, I-thought-this-was-resolved-alreadyyyyy, heartbreak had me bracing in unwarranted (while understandable) fear.

Harsh sun beat on my unprotected pale face, why do I always forget to wear a damn hat?!

I got used to speaking up for myself but my voice still shook; I couldn’t shake the sense of impending attack for my very existence.

Resilience was rooted, but fear still grabbed hold.

Success felt better than I imagined it would.

And it felt… different… than I imagined it would.

Life didn’t feel like I thought it would.

Because, I realized, I thought it would feel one-dimensional.

“Better.”

“Once I healed.”

I unconsciously believed the illusion,

Once you have ~this~, you will be safe-loved-worthy-free

Even as I consciously knew it was an illusion and made choices to not believe it.

The grip on me ran deeper than I was ready to realize.

Once Upon A Time, I believed that all of my feeling was because of all of my ~not having~.

But then I had everything. More than I once imagined I could have. Created in alignment with my heart that had me beaming with pride.

And I realized,

If you’re really alive, connected, and free in what you create…

The more you have,

The more you feel.

Which is a doozy to realize when you’re a highly sensitive soul who has always not-so-low-key struggled to Human her whole life.

Following my heart and making life art has turned out to be harder than guarding my heart and hiding and pretending ever was.

But a different kind of hard.

The hard of…

Feeling More Fully.

The good, bad, ugly, beautiful; true.

Telling The Truth.

Even when you know you’ll lose.

In the loss, you are set free.

Courage. Conviction. Calculated Risk.

That sometimes feels like risking everything. Even death? Too dramatic to say? But oooh how it can feel…

Willingness to sit in the void.

To let the depths stir until you feel something pull you forward.

Resisting the anxious urge to push yourself into something that isn’t ripe.

You can’t force contractions when giving birth—you ride the wave, you let Life pull you until you KNOW it is time to push. Then you fkn give it your all.

I mean, can you imagine being so anxious to have the baby be here already that you tried pushing it out at 6 months? All you would do is exhaust yourself…

Listening to Self, Other, Spirit.

Attuning to Life; rhythms, seasons.

Letting Love lead you,

Even when it breaks your heart.

Letting Love shatter illusions, disarm and deconstruct personas;

leaving you defenseless, vulnerable, honest.

Ready to Begin Again.

For the umpteenth time.

Creating something more aligned, alive, True with each iteration.

Realizing I’ll never actually arrive.

I’ll never Have It All.

And.

I already do.

Xx Bryanna